Saturday, November 23, 2013

Healing the past


Mmmmmmmm, eggnog in my coffee...one of the things I love about this time of year.  Another crystal clear morning enhanced by a beautiful sunrise--glad I gave up trying to sleep.

M is getting her ears pierced today.  She hasn't had much interest in jewelry until recently, so this is an exciting step in her life.  It's more than that for me, and I've had to curb my feelings so they don't shadow hers.

I wasn't allowed to pierce my ears while growing up.  As soon as I turned 18 and left home, piercing them was my first, independent decision.  My choice was based partly in rebellion, but mainly on my love of earrings--they're the only jewelry I wear daily...the novelty has never worn off.

The saddest part of that memorable day is that fact that my mother couldn't go with me, because my dad didn't approve.  My aunt and great aunt went instead--they held my hands during the process and were duly excited and happy for me.  We went to lunch afterward, and it was a day I'll never forget.

For years, I've nursed a vision of me holding M's hand and sharing in her excitement during this rite of passage.  Last night, I fully understood that my vision was healing my heart and had nothing to do with M.

She popped into my office to tell me that a close friend is joining her at the mall for the piercing and then asked if she could spend the rest of the afternoon at her friend's house. As an after thought, she asked if I wanted to go with her to the jewelry store too.  My heart felt like someone had stomped on it, but I looked at her happy face and had an emotional epiphany.

M's scenario is the normal one...of course her close friend should be with her...if I'd been allowed the freedom to make choices while growing up, I'm sure I would have chosen to go with a friend too.  Instead, I've always focused on my mom not being there, because I couldn't even share the idea with her.

I'm not sure what I'll do today...part of me would still love to be with M., but a bigger part wants this event to be uniquely hers in the way that she'll remember best.  Maybe I'll just enjoy a quiet cup of coffee at Starbucks, while I wait for her to show me her new earrings.